10 Proven Steps to Decrease Self-Criticism and Gain Confidence Leave a comment

Have you found yourself thinking, “I am not good enough,” or obsessively replaying a mistake in your mind?

You may find that no matter what you do, your inner critic has something to critique.

You are not struggling in isolation. Many people experience negative self-talk that can drain their confidence and affect their ability to enjoy life.

Learning to decrease self-criticism is not only about feeling better in the moment, but working toward creating a foundation for lasting self-esteem, mental wellness, and a positive mindset.

Are you ready to silence your inner critic and raise your confidence? Let’s get started with some practical strategies you can implement today.

Why Your Self-Criticism Matters

Ongoing self-criticism will hold back your happiness, chances for quality relationships, and even your health. If you are harshly critical of yourself, you are more likely to contend with anxiety, depression, and chronic stress. Ongoing self-criticism will foster negative self-talk that will continue to instill a sense of self-doubt, making it even harder to take risks, achieve goals, and feel fulfilled in life.

Taking some steps in your life to decrease self-criticism allows you to become more self-compassionate, which has been linked to improved resilience, quality relationships, and overall life satisfaction. Developing your ability to decrease negativity and practice self-kindness lays a very strong foundation for greater levels of self-acceptance, and improved self-confidence.

1. Become Aware and Name Your Inner Critic

The first step to decrease self-criticism is to become aware of when you are self-criticizing. Most people do not have an accurate perspective of how often their inner voice is negative or judgmental. This inner critic can be insidious; it shows up in the form of doubts, harsh critiques of our abilities, or even sarcastic comments about our performance.

Example: After making a small error at work, you might catch yourself saying, “I can’t do anything right.”

Action Steps:

• Self-Monitor: For one week, use a notes app or carry a small notebook. Each time you notice a negative or critical thought, write it down. Don’t worry about judging yourself, just notice.
• Label: Give the inner critic a name or personify the voice. For instance, you could call it “The Perfectionist,” “The Worrier,” or “Negative Nancy.” This way you can differentiate your core self from the critical self, making challenging the critical voice easier.
• Patterns: At the end of each day, review your notes. Are there particular triggers like social situations, work deadlines, or personal relationships that are especially loud for your inner critic?

By connecting with and naming your inner critic, you take the first step toward shutting it down and taking back agency over your mindsets. Awareness is the first step toward change.

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2. Challenge Negative Thoughts with Evidence

Once you identify your inner critic, it is important to question if it is even accurate. Most of the negative self-talk we experience is often an exaggeration, or based on past experiences or belief systems that no longer serve us. When you challenge your thoughts, you can begin to develop a mindset that is more balanced and positive.

Example: Your inner critic says, “You are awful at public speaking.” When you notice this, look for evidence of the opposite. For example, did you ever receive positive feedback in the past? Or maybe you managed to get through a presentation even if you were feeling nervous.

Action Steps:

• Fact-Check: When you have a negative thought, pause and say “Is this true? What evidence do I have to support or disprove this thought?”
• Alternate Explanations: Ask yourself if there is another way to understand the situation. Instead of “I failed,” think “I learned.”
• Supportive Self-Talk: What would a kind friend or mentor say to you? Write their words down, and read them when you feel your inner critic is present.
• Thought Record: Use a cognitive-behavioral therapy thought record that tracks negative thoughts, evidence for and against them, and balanced alternatives.

If you are consistently challenging your negative thoughts, you will retrain your brain to automatically think in more realistic and compassionate ways.

3. Practice Self-Compassion

Self-compassion is treating yourself as you would your best friend or mentor. When you notice your mistakes or flaws, instead of being hard on yourself, self-compassion means being understanding and gentle.

Example: If you have missed an important deadline, instead of saying “You are lazy” or “You are incompetent,” you might say “I had a lot on my mind, it’s ok to make mistakes. I can try again tomorrow.”

Action Steps:

• Self-Compassion Break: When you notice your inner critic is present, pause and say, “This is a moment of suffering. Suffering is a part of life. May I be kind to myself in this moment.”
• Soothing Touch: Place one hand over your heart, close your eyes, and take in a few deep breaths. This small act can elicit feelings of safety and kindness toward oneself.
• Journaling: Write a compassionate letter to yourself about a recent blunder or struggle. Use soft, empathetic language.
• Guided Meditations: Use Dr. Kristin Neff’s self-compassion meditations or apps such as Insight Timer or Calm.

Activating self-compassion is a powerful tool to deactivate your inner critic and increase self-esteem. Over time, you will actually rewire your brain to respond to a mishap with understanding and acceptance instead of shame.

4. Set Realistic Expectations

Perfectionism is often attached to self-criticism. If your standards are impossible to meet, you will always feel inadequate. Learning how to set realistic and flexible expectations can help you move through feelings of self-doubt and foster self-acceptance.

Example: Rather than expect you will never make a mistake at work, aim to do your best and learn from the mistakes as they happen.

Action Steps:

• SMART Goals: Use SMART goals (specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, time-bound) to help you set challenging but achievable goals.
• Celebrate Progress: Applaud small wins and progress, not just final outcomes. Keep a “success journal” to document any accomplishments, no matter how small.
• Constructive Regret: Remind yourself that mistakes are part of growth. Ask yourself, “What can I learn from this?” when you slip up.
• Let Go of “Shoulds”: Using statements like, “I should…” can be a pressure point. Consider replacing with “I’d like to…” or “I’m working on…” to take away some of that pressure and bring in self-kindness.

By adjusting your expectations, you’re allowing yourself to be human—this is essential for mental wellness and self-acceptance.

5. Develop a Growth Mindset

Developing a growth mindset is the belief that you can get better in some way—in terms of ability—through effort and learning. When you have this mindset, you are more apt to view mistakes as growth opportunities instead of evidence to prove you’re not good enough. With a growth mindset, you can lessen the frequency and intensity of negative thinking, build confidence, and increase overall wellbeing.

Example: If you are struggling to learn a new skill, say to yourself, “I’m learning; it’s natural to struggle a little bit at first.”

Action Steps:

• Reframe Setbacks: When you experience failure, ask yourself, “What did I learn here? How can I use this next time?”
• “Yet” Statements: Instead of saying, “I can’t do this,” say, “I can’t do this yet.”
• Learning Models: Surround yourself with stories of people who overcame obstacles through practicing and persisting. TED Talks about growth mindset, such as the one by Carol Dweck, can be helpful.
• Self-Reflection: Regularly reflect on your progress and learning as opposed to just the outcomes.

Developing a growth mindset will help decrease self-criticism by shifting the focus from being perfect to being curious and resilient.

6. Reduce the Comparisons

Comparing yourself to other people is one of the quickest routes to self-doubt or insecurity. Social media makes it easy to see others’ strengths or accomplishments and then place yourself into a deficit role. Many people post updates regarding special times in their lives, and others may see these updates and feel like they aren’t living their full potential.

Example: You see a vacation photo from a friend on social media and think, “Why can’t I have a life as exciting as theirs?” This negative self-talk will become emotionally exhausting.

Action Steps:

• Social Media Breaks: Regularly take breaks from social media or curate your follow list so that you are only following accounts that inspire you instead of trigger comparisons.
• Appreciation: A minimum of 3 times a week, write down 3 things you appreciate in your own life.
• Celebrate your own Journey: Think about your own strengths, achievements, and characteristics that make you unique from everyone else. List them all out.
• Affirmation: Every time you start comparing yourself to others, say, “I am on my own path and that is enough.”

By focusing on your own journey and reducing self-criticism, you can foster your growth towards self-acceptance.

7. Self-Compassion Through Daily Acts of Kindness

Building confidence and mental well-being should be a daily practice. You can stop the inner critic in its track and start practicing positive thinking patterns by doing daily acts of kindness toward yourself.

Example: Every morning, sit up tall in bed, and repeat a positive affirmation (Ex. “I am enough.”) or every night, encourage yourself to respond by writing three things you did well today.

Action Steps:

• Affirmation Practice: Make a list of affirmations (I am worthy, I am learning, I am resilient), and say them out loud every morning.
• Self-care Check-in: Set an alarm on your phone to go off every day at a time you can stop, pause, and ask yourself what you need right now. Then, whatever it is that you need, honor that.
• Celebrate Small Wins: Every night, take a few minutes, and write down three things you did well today, no matter how small.
• Mindful Moments: Each day, take two minutes and practice some mindful breathing, or a brief body scan to reconnect to yourself.

Small, consistent acts of self-kindness can create big changes in the way you feel about yourself!

8. Surround Yourself with People Who Cultivate Your Sense of Self-Worth

The people we surround ourselves with have tremendous influence on our self-esteem and ability to push through self-doubt. Friends, mentors, or even family members can build confidence as you conquer your inner critic and ultimately celebrate your strengths.

Example: Reach out if you are struggling to find someone you trust to share what you are struggling with. Ideally, this person builds you up rather than criticizes you.

Action Steps:

• Take Stock: Connect with your circle. Who is supportive of your efforts to decrease self-criticism? Who is not? Spend time with the supporters.
• Find a Mentor: Find a mentor or coach who can provide feedback and support.
• Be Part of a Group: Identify mental wellness groups, book clubs, or hobby groups that focus on positive growth.
• Say No To Negative People: Spend less time with people who provide negative points of view and communicate your needs.

Positive relationships serve to reinforce your intent to decrease self-criticism and increase self-acceptance.

9. Learn to Accept Compliments

If you are accustomed to self-criticism, then accepting praise may feel uncomfortable or even undeserving. Accepting compliments graciously is an important building block towards a confident sense of worth.

Example: When someone says, “You did a great job,” do not say “really, it wasn’t that good” or “thanks, but I didn’t really do anything.”

Action Steps:

• Practice Receiving: When someone compliments you, say “Thank you.” Allow yourself to really take it in, even if it feels awkward.
• Compliment Journal: Keep a journal of compliments you receive to read back on when you’re feeling low.
• Recognize Deflecting: If you catch yourself deflecting when someone praises you (“it wasn’t that great”), stop, catch your breath, and recognize your contribution.
• Reflect: Think about how you positively affect others by doing what you do. This reinforces that you are worthy of recognition.

The more you practice accepting compliments, the easier it will be to seriously take in their positive affirmations and reduce negative thinking.

10. Seek Professional Help When Needed

Sometimes self-criticism runs very deep and can be difficult to work through without assistance. If your negative self-talk is getting in the way of daily living, relationships, or mental wellness, support from a therapist or counselor can be helpful if not transformational.

Example: You might work with a professional to help identify the underlying sources of self-criticism, ways to generate self-compassion, and have a positive mindset.

Action Steps:

• Find a Therapist: Search for a provider or counselor in your area that primarily works on self-esteem, self-compassion, or cognitive behavioral therapy. Research sites like BetterHelp or Psychology Today.
• Seek Support Groups: Find support for anxiety, depression, or self-esteem through organizations like NAMI.

• Research Online Solutions: Search online courses, books, and podcasts about self-acceptance and overcoming self-doubt. Resources like Mindful Self-Compassion and podcasts such as The Happiness Lab can provide valuable insights and tools.
• Commit to Change: Remember, seeking professional help is a sign of strength, not weakness. Therapy can provide you with effective tools, support, and accountability to create lasting change.

Professional support can help you step away from constant self-criticism, unlock your potential, and regain a sense of control and fulfillment in your life.

Discover more ideas to help you build your confidence and self-esteem:

Final Thoughts on Self-Criticism 

Reducing self-criticism is a journey, not a destination. By learning to notice your inner critic, challenging negative thoughts, and practicing self-compassion, you begin to lay the groundwork for greater self-acceptance and mental wellness. Setting realistic expectations, developing a growth mindset, and surrounding yourself with supportive people all contribute to your confidence and well-being.

Remember, every small step counts. Choose one or two strategies from this list and start practicing them today. Over time, you’ll find it easier to quiet your inner critic, boost your self-esteem, and embrace a more empowered, positive version of yourself.

Start today—your future self will thank you!